FLOG WE WILL FLOG WE SHALL
Posted on December 10, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Lazy blog writers who haven’t updated their site since September 14th! Not because such a site would have been any good to begin with or because many people would have been terribly saddened not to have a chance to enjoy in such a sites accounts of worldly antics… Nope, given the above, such a site could go completely overlooked without causing anyone to raise a plunger… BUT NOT FLOGGER! For Flogger we plunge, because Flogger is no ordinary blog that went without update for nearly 3 months! Flogger is a blog that went without update for 3 months while leaving a picture of giant “Hello-Kitty” stuffies right on the front-page. Having to endure such cruel and unusual torture for 3 months, now that is a reason to plunge!
But hear me folks of this blog, you need not plunge another day (YES JAMES BOND REFERENCE SOOOO COOOL) for I have returned from the depths of the shadows that have kept me from thee! From this day forward, worldly events will no longer escape me un-plunged because FLOG WE WILL AND FLOG WE SHALL!!!
Since most of us are already exhauted from that pep talk, lets keep things simple today and discuss how Top US government research labs were infiltrated by hackers. There isn’t much to say besides, LOL! How much EZ could a new newb be if a new newb could be EZ? Seriously though, good job letting secret information be vulnerable to an email. These sorts of events make me wonder why I even bothered going to University to become a Software Engineer when anybody with a grade 5 education could have been smart enough to implement a better security system than this. Good job letting an email take you down. I feel bad flogging this story because someone is already obviously getting their ass canned.
Leave a CommentPolice Officers Disciplined with Hello Kitty Armband
Posted on September 14, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? The whole justice system! Not because first nation people in Canada represent a majority percentage of those behind bars despite being a minority of the population or because similar discrimination can be found throughout the world. Nope, what really gets me pulling out my plunger is the fact that we as a race are mentally retarded and it’s a miracle we have not yet gone extinct!
It’s not enough that we elect celebrities to political power when we actually take the time to show up and vote… Now, we are also getting cartoon characters to discipline adults! Police officers to be specific… Excellent!
Meet Hello Kitty…
“Police chiefs in Bangkok have come up with a new way of punishing officers who break the rules - an eye-catching Hello Kitty armband. The armband is large, bright pink and has a Hello Kitty motif with two hearts embroidered on it.” - read source
I’d like to keep writing this post but I suddenly feel the need to go and hit my head against a concrete wall for several hours.
Leave a CommentSurgeon Steals Bum From Woman
Posted on August 8, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Criminals! Not because it’s morally wrong or because it can sometimes be devastating to the victims. Of course that stuff is all unfortunate, but I wouldn’t take out my plunger because of it; I’d go find my phone book and call the insurance company. However, when criminals start stealing the bums of belly dancers, they have crossed the line.
We have now advanced technologically to the point where stealing body parts is fairly simple. Unfortunately for Julia Meyer, her right buttocks was stolen by a surgeon who was supposed to slim her thighs!
It remains unknown what the criminal surgeon planned to do with the right-hand portion of the womans bum. Perhaps he had already stolen a left bum cheek from another woman and was now trying to complete the set. In fact, given the evidence, it is highly probable that the surgeon was in the process of constructing a wife out of stolen body pieces from random patients.
The next time you go in to visit a surgeon, be sure to ask for all your left-over body parts. Unfortunately, leaving behind unwanted pieces of your nose, breasts, and or any other body part could be enough to turn some surgeons into serial body part thieves. If you wake up and a toe or ear is missing, don’t let them convince you it was an accident, take out your plunger and castrate someone. Don’t let surgeons end the careers of any other belly dancers!
Leave a CommentMan Upset Nobody Cares He Died
Posted on July 9, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Retards. Since it may not be politically correct to say this, let me be more specific; ****ing retards. Of course, I’m not talking about retards as per the actual definition of the term, but rather the generally accepted use in reference to complete morons. For example, I would define an individual who fakes his own death as a retard.
If any retard rights activists are still offended, (meaning they feel the need for a little media attention) please post your complaints in my comments section. I’ll happily meet with retard rights leaders to discuss my poor use of the term and will then upon recommendation enter myself into therapy where councellors can read definitions to me from the dictionary. Actually, that would probably only happen if I said faking your own death makes you totally gay. Maybe something was lost in translation on its way to Bosnia and the dude thought the motto was, “coming out of the coffin”. Maybe its a cultural thing and in Bosnia people are buried in their closets after death?
Anyways, now that we have established a gay retarded man from Bosnia faked his own death in order to determine which of his male friends would be most suitable for marriage, we can get on with the story! According to reports, the retarded Bosnian guy sent complaints to 45 of his friends after they failed to show up at his funeral for his coming out party. The only person who did attend the funeral was the retarded Bosnian guys mother who was there to pick-up the free flowers she expected some sucker would bring. It is unknown yet if the entire faked death was actually the mom’s idea as it is known that she really likes flowers.
“I paid a lot of money to get a fake death certificate and bribe undertakers to deliver an empty coffin. - the retarded Bosnian guy who is also gay“
Apparently, the retarded Bosnian guy watched the entire funeral from behind some bushes.
“I really thought a lot more of you, my so-called friends, would turn up to pay their last respects. It just goes to show who you can really count on. - the retarded Bosnian guy who is also gay“
It is unknown if the retarded Bosnian guy who is also gay plans to fake his death again soon in order to give all his “friends” a second chance.
Funeral homes are now contacing more and more people with this story with the hopes of encouraging more people to use this method to discover their real friends. The move is expected to cause a huge income boom for the funeral business which will benefit from people dying more than once in a lifetime!
Leave a CommentProtestors Plant Potatoes on Wrong Farm
Posted on July 4, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Neighbours who plant potatoes in my front lawn! Not because I dislike potatoes or because I like my lawn, but because for a long time I’m stuck wondering wtf is wrong with my herbicide that’s suposed to kill weeds, not grow potoatoes. Anyways, if that makes me plunge, then I know having 250 anti-genetically modified food protestors plant thousands of organic potatoes on my farm would really both disturb and upset me. Especially if I was growing organic beans!
That’s exactly what happened when a large group of protestors wishing to sabatoge a GM potato field accidently got the wrong farm. You can actually visit the protestors website at Mutatoes.Org. Their motto is to stop the spuds. I assume they mean the genetically modified ones anyways.
As you can see from this story, it is very important to stop the growth of genetically modified potatoes. I mean, do you really want to live in a world where potatoes are mutated to the point that they look so much like beans that even knowledgeable protestors, fighting for a cause they believe in, would mix them up? I don’t think so!
Thankfully none of the knowledgeable protestors listened to the poor farmer who was telling them he grew beans otherwise this whole problem would not have been brought to our attention! What a sad day it will be when people resort to communicating their problems and discussing them rather than playing the role of pawns for ogranizations with hidden agendas.
Thank you mutatoes, I think I will donate right now! I can see its money well spent!
1 CommentToilet Catches People With Pants Down
Posted on June 30, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Toilets! Now I know a whole bunch of you out there are saying, “finally he’s using his plunger for it’s purpose!”. Well guess what, you’re wrong! I’m not talking about clogged toilets here, I’m talking about flaming toilets! Flaming toilets really get me excited! Have you ever sat down for a moment and asked yourself what you would do if your toilet caught fire? 180,000 people will be asking themselves that question for the rest of their lives after their toilets caught fire in Japan.
According to the article, the toilets in question feature a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, a “tornado wash” flush, and a lid that opens and closes automatically. As you can see, a seat warmer is not one of the included features, so the problem was likely reported quickly.
There is a very important lesson to be learned here. Consider that there were likely a few happy japanese men who ran out of their washrooms with their pants still down around their ankles yelling at their wife, “You gotta come see what I did to the the toilet right now!!!” Of course, the poor fellow just wants to show his wife that the store made a mistake and gave them a superior toilet model with a seat warmer and he figured out how to turn it on. Luckily for him, his excitement may have saved his buttocks from third degree burns, but unluckily for him, his wife will probably be upset that he just admitted to burning down the washroom.
So what’s the lesson? Next time a store makes an error in your favor, don’t tell your wife until you first verify that your toilet is not on fire.
Leave a CommentBike Design Dangerous for Dogs
Posted on June 26, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Bikes! Not because they have very uncomfortable seats which inevitably cause hemroids. That sucks, but it’s no reason to take out the plunger! What make me want to plunge is the fact that their design is dangerous for dogs.
Take Gougou shown in the above picture for example. All Gougou wants to do is travel around on the back of his masters bike. His master doesn’t own a car, so unless he sits on the bike, Gougou has to stay home alone all day. Either that, or poor Gougou would need to run beside the bike, leaving him too exhausted to enjoy life and play with his human companion later in the evening.
Despite the huge accomplishment of learning to ride a bike, Gougou lives life on the edge every day. Each time he gets up on the back of the bike, Gougou takes the risk that his tail will get stuck in the bikes wheel. Should this ever happen, Gougou would begin rotating in circles with the bike wheel which could possibly result in injury.
Bike companies really didn’t care when reports of children getting their fingers stuck in bike spokes surfaced in the past, but maybe now that dogs are riding bikes they’ll finally take notice of the danger.
Also, I’d just like to point out that it’s very important for adults to set a good example for their pet. As you can see, Gougou is riding the bike without a helmet! Don’t expect Gougou to start wearing one unless Mr. Liu does too! Whose Mr. Liu? Well metaphorically, he’s you needing to set an example for your children, but for those who don’t like metaphors, he’s the guy riding the bike.
Leave a CommentKiller Snakes Prevent Roadside Urination
Posted on May 28, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? The smell of urine! Finally, an intelligent solution to the problem has been put into practice in Austria where signs warning about the mortal danger of snakes have been successfully used to lower the amount of roadside urination taking place.
Cobra’s, generally found in the desert and tropical areas of Asia and Africa are not actually hiding in the bushes along Austrian roads. However, when “No Pee Here” signs and moth balls failed to prevent roadside urination, threatening to have venemous snakes bite off wee-wee’s was the next step. So far, nobody has called the bluff and people have once again begun using toilets in Austria.
Ironically, the source of the revolt against the toilet was the fact that it smelled like urine.
I don’t know about you, but my neighbors dog really likes to pee on my lawn everyday. I think it’s time I put up some signs saying, “My 10 foot long deadly venom spitting snake escaped his aquarium after I failed to feed him for a few days. He likes to jump out of my tree. Please call if you seen him! Thanks.”
Leave a CommentChinese Officials Paint Mountain Green
Posted on May 23, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Spray painting mountains green in order to answer calls for more attention to environmental protection. Not because I feel bad that there are many variants of spoken Chinese which are obviously mutually incomprehensible, or because $60,600 worth of toxic paint could have bought 13,060 pounds of Perenniall Ryegrass seeds (enough to cover 1,632,343 square feet). Nope, that’s no reason to plunge. However, passing up the opportunity to plant a fake forest with green cardboard is upsetting as the irony of using dead tree’s to restore the environment could have been viewed as a satirical political statement aimed at the world stating environmental issues are real and real action must be taken.
Ironically, many people speculate that “officials of the surrounding Fumin county, whose office building faces the mountain, were trying to change the area’s feng shui - the ancient Chinese belief of harmonizing one’s physical environment for maximum health and financial benefit” http://www.cbc.ca. If you’ve been paying attention, this means that government officials came to the conclusion that the best way to harmonize the environment for maximum health and financial benefit is by wasting money on destroying the environment which is necessary for good health…
Who would of thought it would ever be necessary to add a “this product is not recommended for use on mountains” label to spray-paint cans.
Leave a CommentPimp your Dog for a Date
Posted on May 16, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Online dating services offered for dogs! First of all, I doubt the dog is actually sitting at the computer browsing profiles, so the service itself should be re-branded as “Arranged Marriages For Dogs”. Of course, even that would not be very accurate since in reality anybody using the service would theroretically be looking for some good breeding opportunities. The service is therefore more of a “Pimp your Pups and Sell their Babies” kind of thing.
I’m going to call the poor little puppy shown here Alfred. Alfred is still very young and has not yet begun humping the legs of people. So why is his profile already up? Do you think this service upsets Alfred? Of course not, Alfred couldn’t be happier as long as someone pats his head!
So what’s the problem? Well if you examine the website statistics, you can see what is really going on here. As per any online dating site, the male members out-number the female members. Members are also posting under-age pictures of their puppies in order to attract more attention to their profiles. This leads me to believe this is actually a dating site for single men and women trying to use their puppies as an excuse to meet other men and women while their animals get it on.
So again, what’s the problem? Not enough people are using dogstogether.com! If you’re into onling dating and dogs, pimp them out to meet people with similar interests! Your pup will be a great ice-breaker on the first date! Also, you never have to hurt the other persons feelings, you can just say your dog wasn’t into the other dog. To bad there aren’t similar services out there for hamsters! How cool would it be to date that thirty year old guy who has the hamster!
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