Top 5 Reasons for Surveillance Cameras Inside Empty Bean Cans
Posted on May 9, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Surveillance cameras hidden inside empty bean cans! Regardless of how crazy the idea sounds, the Ealing Council in London plans to do just that in order to catch people who take out their “rubbish” at inappropriate times. It has also been decided that these people taking out their trash on the wrong day of the week will henceforth be called “fly-tippers”.
Rather than getting into the whole privacy debate or discussion about how terrible this idea really is, I think it best to focus on the positive aspects of the whole ordeal. Here is a list of the Top 5 Reasons for Surveillance Cameras Inside Empty Bean Cans.
Top 5 Reasons for Surveillance Cameras Inside Empty Bean Cans
- Free local phone calls. We’ve all made a phone with two tin cans and a piece of string when we were kids. Since these empty bean cans will be lying around the city anyways, they might as well be connected by string so that people can use them to make free local phone calls!
- More homes for the homeless. Face it, many squirrels are too lazy to build a nest. Thats why they often end up in your attic where they enjoy chewing on all your old priceless photo albums and antiques. With empty bean cans spread across the city, squirrels will have more housing options available to them. The cans will provide the squirrels with shelter and a place to leave their nuts where they won’t be lost or forgotten!
- Expand your wireless network or get a free cell phone. All the bean cans can be converted to antenna which can then be used to create a city-wide wireless network at virtually no cost. Click here for full instructions on how to turn your empty bean can into an antenna. If you have a 2.4GHz cordless phone, hook it up to your network of cans and use your cordless phone across the city like a cell phone!
- Better cans for future generations. When no “fly-tippers” are around, members of the surveillance team can verify with certainty whether or not the bean can truly is empty. Of course, this is a moo point, seeing as the can now contains a camera and is therefore not empty even if the team can discover that it is in fact void of beans. However, this still presents an opportunity to collect statistics regarding the number of beans generally left in a can of beans when it is discarded. This information could be useful for bean companies who can then revolutionize the can industry with more efficient cans that allow more beans to be consumed. From my experience, there are always 2 or 3 beans stuck at the bottom of the can when I am done with it.
- Enjoying the irony of the whole situation. In 2004, the Audit Commission rated Ealing as having the dirtiest streets in London. Their solution of dropping empty cans all across the city is a great step towards solving the problem…!
If you’re looking for some more Top 5 lists or have your own, visit Problogger which is currently hosting a contest that is generating hundreds of awesome lists!
Leave a CommentRemote Controlled Pigeons
Posted on April 20, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? The military. All of them! The People’s Daily Online reports that scientists in China have successfully found a way to use brain implants in pigeons to control the birds’ movement. This of course means that every military in the world is already trying to figure out how they can strap pigeons with an AK-47 and use them as weapons of mass destruction. Don’t be surprised if George Bush announces a plan to invade Iran because satellite photos have spotted pigeons gathering in large numbers around what may or may not be bread crumbs…
The U.S military has already tried creating remote controlled sharks and currently trains dolphins to search for mines.
“Scientists with the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center of east China’s Shandong University of Science and Technology say they implanted micro electrodes in the brain of a pigeon so they can command it to fly right or left or up or down.
The implants stimulated different areas of the pigeon’s brain according to signals sent by the scientists via computer, and forced the bird to comply with their commands.” - http://hackedgadgets.com/
Since we shouldn’t have to worry about a missile defense system against pigeons for another two or three years, I’ll focus the rest of this article on some of the benefits that could arise from this technology!
Let’s face it, most pigeons populate the downtown sectors of large cities where they spend their days on the streets begging for food. This technology will suddenly increase the demand for pigeons and thus open many new employment possibilities for the birds!
The second big advantage comes from the fact that we all think it’s really cool the way Harry Potter gets his mail delivered to him by an owl. Of course, putting brain implants into owls would disturb many people and stir up animal activists, whereas with pigeons, you have the advantage that most of them are carrying diseases anyways that brain implants don’t seem as offensive. While it will be unfortunate to put all the post office workers out of a job, I don’t think society will be able to pass up the opportunity as many companies will note that free pigeon labor will allow them to stop making use of child labor.
Of course, this will inevitably lead to people testing brain implants in humans so maybe the best thing to do is to get out that plunger and use it to suck the implants out of the head of any pigeons you see delivering mail
Leave a CommentMr. Sun Terrifies Cats into Talking
Posted on April 10, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Not Agui. As you can see to the right, Agui is very cute and provides no motivation for plunging. Mr. Sun from Beijing on the other hand is a different story.
Mr. Sun says his cat Agui will say his name when frightened.
This is problematic for two reasons. First of all, if you name your cat Meow, chances are it will sound like it can say its own name. Name your cat Arnold Schwarzenegger and when it says that I’ll be impressed!
The other problem is Mr. Sun did not say Agui says his name while getting a gentle belly scratch. Nope, Mr. Sun has to terrify the poor cat so that it’s meows become more high pitched and squeaky such that that they sound like Agui. Now that everyone wants to go see Agui to hear him talk, Mr. Sun has to constantly drop him in the bath tub or bring him to the vet for shots to keep him terrified. Poor Agui can no longer go anywhere without the fear of someone jumping out from behind a sofa to scare him.
Don’t let Mr. Sun continue to terrorize cats! Sure.. it starts with Agui, but what do you think will happen when he sees your cat or he gets a new one? He will try to scare the daylights out of it, just to see if it can talk! If you are ever in Beijing and a man walks in with a squirt gun and starts hosing down the cats in hopes of finding one that can talk, pull out your plunger and stop Mr. Sun!
2 CommentsBan on Feeding Cows Cannabis
Posted on April 3, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Switzerland’s Agriculture Ministry. Not because I’m a carnivore and think eating helpless vegetables is cruel or because I think they should stick to making chocolate. Nope, thats all fine and dandy! The problem is when they decide to place a ban on feeding cows cannabis…
Farmers in Switzerland find that cannabis is a very affordable way to feed their cows who also seem happier upon consumption. The Agriculture Ministry however states that the active ingredient in cannabis, THC, can get into the milk and create a health risk. However, artificial growth hormones designed to increase milk production, when there is already an oversupply of milk, are perfectly safe.
If anyone should be allowed to get high, its the cows. We’ve taken all meaning and fun out of their lives while treating them as commodities to use and expend as we please. Cows do not live in the wild, we have enslaved their entire population. Despite this, they are not on any endangered species lists because we don’t view them as a creature any longer, but rather as a burgers or bags of milk. They have nothing going for them besides exploitation, just let the cows get high.
Of course, others will argue that we need to educate the young cows about the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. Do you want your cow to grow up and spend it’s life working at McDonald’s, being fed to people by employees making minimum wage?
Don’t think that cows are only being fed cannabis in Switzerland. These happy cow videos show American cows from California who are obviously also in a good mood. Do you want to make these cows sad? Of course not, man, thats messed up! Get out your plunger and pull the plug on the ban on feeding cows cannabis! THC does not accumulate in the food chain like poisonous mercury, yet fish have not been banned from living in the waters we have polluted and continue to make dangerous to our own health.
1 CommentShave My Baby One More Time
Posted on March 23, 2007
You know who really makes me want to plunge? Britney Spears. By now, we have all heard that Britney Spears entered a drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua and then later another in Malibu. In the process, she got a tattoo and shaved off all her hair herself with clippers. Do you think she did this because she is mildly psychotic? Of course not. Britney Spears shaved off her hair because she is jealous of the childhood she never had which she is now supposed to make a reality for her children. The only logical solution was therefore to shave her head so she could resemble her children at birth and therefore return to her childhood. According to this article, time travel is theoretically possible, so decide for yourself if you think Britney Spears is a cutting edge scientist or a victim of Post-partum psychosis.
BritneySpears.com is currently asking people to send their thoughts and inspiration to Britney Spears. I sent a letter, but unfortunately they have not yet posted it:
“Dear Britney Spears,
I know you may have lost contact with reality for the time being and that you are probably unaware that your vivid hallucinations and impossible delusions are unrealistic. Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness and are associated with many psychotic disorders, including schizophrenia. Don’t let your paranoia get you down or lead you to irrational or excessive behaviour. I think it’s great that your website is having all the 12 year olds, for whom you are a role model, send you letters of support. If you were poor, homeless and living in a third world country without your own personal website you’d have to face your psychosis alone. We’re all here for you. Not because we know you or really care, but because media and pop culture have dictated your importance so that we don’t bother politicians about wars in Iraq or climate change.
Hope you’re well soon, or at least before your children have hair and you start shaving their heads.
Sincerely,
Jayden James Federline” (I thought it would freak her out if it was from one of her kids)
I encourage everyone to send in their letters of support! Don’t let Britney Spears travel back to the 90’s. If you see her, stick her with your plunger! It won’t hold her back, but you can at least use it to cover her bald head!
Leave a CommentDrunk Scots Lifting Kilts in Poland
Posted on March 22, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Drunk Scottish men lifting their kilts to strangers in Poland. Not because they horrify Polish residents who feel that is not the sort of behaviour their country wants to see or because they risk getting frostbite on their genitals when they inevitably pass-out in a gutter. I’m not even upset that this could potentially lead Poland to ban “men-in-skirts” or at least make the wearing of underwear obligatory. Nope, I just don’t see the downside to that stuff. What bothers me is how this will impact the price of alcoholic beverages in Poland.
We all know Poland is a major destination for tourists because of the cheap beer. We also know that this cheap beer possibly provides the Scots with the necessary motivation to run around Poland exposing themselves. Unfortunately, rather than turning towards violence or driving under the influence, Scots are perfectly content with hiding behind tree’s ready to flash unsuspecting victims. This sort of behaviour is not generally well received. In fact, many polish citizens have reported feeling frightened upon discovering what the drunk Scots have under their kilts.
Now let me explain how this will lead to an increase in the price of alcohol. First of all, drunk Scots can only stagger so far when drunk before collapsing unconscious. This means that the crime density will be highest within the staggering radius surrounding the bars in Poland. We will refer to this as the “Zone of Terror”. Frightened citizens will avoid the Zone of Terror at all cost meaning many will avoid Poland’s bars. If you’ve studied Supply vs Demand in economics then you know that as the demand goes down so does the price. However, in this case, decreasing the price will only attract more Scottish flashers so citizens will likely be happy to pay more for their beer if it means less testes.
Don’t let the drunk Scottish kilt lifters raise the price of beer in Poland! It’s time to enter the Zone of Terror and fight back. Take out the plungers. Next time you see a Scot lift his kilt, you know what to do.
2 CommentsColbert Suspected in Murder of Captain America
Posted on March 15, 2007
You know who really makes me want to plunge? Stephen Colbert. Colbert conveniently inherited Captain America’s shield following the characters death and is rumoured to have thus been inducted honorarily as a character in the Marvel Universe. The shield was initially reported as missing, but later turned up in the hands of Colbert on television during Comedy Central’s, “The Colbert Report”. Colbert claims Steve Rogers (i.e. Captain America!) bequethed the shield to him in his Will. S.H.I.E.L.D. is currently investigating the validity of the Will.
While Colbert bids farewell to Captain America, one has to wonder, did he do it? One may argue that he lacks the qualities of a super hero villain, but what if Stephen Colbert is really the alter ego of Crossbones or Dr.Faustus?! Let’s not forget Colbert’s performance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner… According to Michael Scherer, “Stephen Colbert is a dangerous man — a bomb thrower, an assassin, a terrorist with boring hair and rimless glasses. It’s a wonder the Secret Service let him so close to the president of the United States.”
Colbert has appeared in Maxim Online and People Magazine as one of the sexiest men alive. Most TV news anchors are not naturally attractive or they would have a better job, so this strengthens the alter ego argument as Colbert is obviously wearing a mask.
If you think the evidence ends there you are wrong! Once Captain America realizes that his fight against the Registration Act is putting the lives of civilians in danger, he orders the anti-Registration forces to stand down. Colbert, who had a vested interest in the liberty of the super-powered beings via his ice cream business (i.e. Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream - …the sweet taste of liberty…), could not allow the fight against registration to be lost, and thus needed to murder Captain America in order to allow a new leader, possibly Punisher, to continue the battle!
You see, the Comics Code Authority (CCA) was created to regulate the content of comic books and prevents super-powered beings from consuming alcohol. Colbert knew that when the sale of alcohol was made illegal in the United States during the prohibition between 1920-1933 the demand for ice cream soared up by 71%. If the registration act were to come into effect, the identities of all super-powered beings would be known and therefore they would gain the right to consume alcohol since by law they would now be entitled even as a super-beings, to their rights as regular civilians. The impact would have dramatic results on Colbert’s ice cream business.
Do not let the fact that Captain America is a comic book character stand in the way of justice. Stephen Colbert must pay for the crimes he has committed! Get out your plungers and stand up for Steve Rogers. Don’t let fiction and reality become two separate entities!
1 CommentPetition to Bring Back Antonella Barba
Posted on March 12, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Antonella Barba not winning American Idol. Not because she had the talent to do so or because the media and American Idol took advantage of her unfortunate situation to selfishly boost their own ratings. That’s a part of life in the 21st century. If we took the time to care about that sort of exploitation we might have to follow up with caring about world poverty and child labour which is not as fun as looking for wet t-shirt pictures on the internet.
If we don’t start a petition now, Antonella’s moment of fame will be over until the release of the next Girl’s Gone Wild DVD. What will we all do in the mean time?! Did you know more and more people are searching the internet every day for the word “rhombus“. Do you know what a “rhombus” is? Me neither. Do you want your children to have their internet searches end in confusion? Of course not! Bring back Antonella Barba! Don’t let xxx-rated material lose to the rhombus!
Sign the petition by posting a comment! Tell everyone you know to come and sign! I’ll send the results to American Idol.
Leave a CommentRevenge Against Giant Squid
Posted on March 7, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Giant Squid. Not because they have the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom or because their weiners (slang for penis) are 3 feet long. Nope, all of that stuff is just fine and dandy. The problem is, nobody has ever given them a taste of their own medicine. They float around their whole life with all these suction cups, yet none of them are plumbers. With eight tentacles and hundreds of suctions cups on each, they could unclog thousands of toilets a day and contribute to the economy. You would think evolution would lead them on this path, since we would be less likely to eat them if they put their tentacles into toilets.
You know what giant squid like to do with their suction cups? They use them to eat and enjoy sticking them to whales! You don’t see me using my plunger as a spoon, it’s too big and I’m not a giant squid. Next time I find myself in the middle of the ocean and I meet a giant squid I’m going to pray I have my plunger with me because I think it’s time we get even. Their heads are round and wet, creating the ideal location for a plunger to become stuck. The next time a 33-foot giant squid is found, you know what to do.
Don’t let these giant squid continue to steal media attention away from American Idol or Anna Nicole Smith. Do you want your children to see them every night and have nightmares? At least make sure they show up on TV with a plunger stuck to their head, they’ll no longer be frightening.
Leave a CommentBlue Smurf Lobster
Posted on February 20, 2007
You know what really makes me want to plunge? Smurfs. Not because they need to chemically create their women or because they live in a socialist community, it’s because they’re blue. Every time I think of smurfs, I think of some fisherman who thinks he’s the coolest person in the world because he caught a blue lobster. Good job dude, you’re my hero.
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